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The following questions were asked by parents regarding challenges they were facing with their children. The questions were answered by Tim Monroe, Highfields’ Director of Community Services, and were previously published in the Lansing State Journal. If you have a question and would like some "helpful hints", email them to tmonroe@highfields.org
My son is in the sixth grade. He is a good kid, but lately he has been lying about everything – his school grades, his homework, which friends he visits, you name it.
Like adults, sometimes children lie. Often people lie because it works. For example, your son may fear punishment if he admits to bad grades or who he is hanging out with. By not telling the truth, the heat is off. Lying is a way to avoid or delay negative consequences. As we all know, the end product of lying often can result in worse consequences than if the truth would have been told in the first place. Don’t corner your child by asking questions for which you already know the answer. If you are aware of his grades and homework problems, or disagree with the people he is choosing as friends, confront this with him directly. For example, don’t ask him if he’s done his homework, ask to see it. If he doesn’t have it to show you, then there is nothing to lie about. Talk with your son about honesty and respect and the importance of both in a relationship. This may be a great opportunity for one of life’s lessons. Reinforce the positive and model the kind of behavior you expect. Kids have an amazing ability to rise up and meet the expectations their parents have for them. By expecting honesty and addressing your concerns about his behavior directly, his need to lie should diminish.
How can I help my 12-year-old daughter improve her self-esteem? She sets very high standards for herself and when she does not meet them she becomes down on herself. Sometimes I think she’s her own worst enemy.
Self- esteem is directly related to things that happen in the present tense. If, for example, your daughter does poorly on a test or is teased by a peer, her self-esteem may plummet. On the other hand, if she does well on a test and is feeling good about the way things are going for her, her self-esteem would heighten. The feedback your daughter receives through her daily interactions has a direct impact on how she feels about herself. This feedback is situational and can change almost immediately. It appears that your concerns about your daughter are associated with her self-concept rather that her self-esteem. One’s self-concept is more pervasive and is developed over years. It is how we perceive or conceptualize ourselves. It is our view of who we are and ultimately influences the decisions and journeys that we venture into throughout life. In helping your daughter stop beating herself up, I would suggest the following: * Play "Ten Good Things About ..." with your daughter. Have her come up with 10 strengths that she sees in herself. Often time’s people focus so heavily on what is not good that they forget the many gifts that they have. The possibilities are endless. * Ask her to identify the pluses and minuses of various situations that she is involved in. Surely positives can be identified in any interaction. * Negatives are okay too. Help her put these in the context of what she could do differently next time around. * Ask her: On a scale of one to 10, how much effort was put into a situation? If she didn’t do well on a test that she didn’t study for, then it shouldn’t injure her ego if she didn’t do well. Often times what we put into something is directly related to what we get back out of it. Eliminating negative self-talk is easier said than done. Point this out when you see it occurring. If you can help your daughter put it in the context of what can be done differently next time around, setbacks, in the end, can help her achieve future positive outcomes.
My 14-year old daughter has a bad attitude. She challenges everything she is asked to do, talks back and is often disrespectful to her father and me.
A bad attitude is a stage that many adolescents deal with. Attitudes are very difficult to define, but most people know one when they see it. Attitudes from kids can be very troubling to parents and can stoke them to the boiling point. As a parent, it is important to reflect upon your child’s behavior. Do an inventory. If the behavior is OK, is the attitude really a big deal? Let’s face it: Attitude is everywhere. Cartoon figures from Bugs Bunny to Bart Simpson can be classified as having attitudes. A sports figure such as Dennis Rodman certainly would be considered a person guided by his attitude. (His book title is even attitude-driven-"Bad as I Wanna Be.") Like us, kids encounter people with attitudes daily. Behavior is what counts. Actions speak louder than words. When addressing an attitude problem, it is important to define it from a behavioral perspective. Determine the behaviors that constitute the attitude, and address these with your child. For example, if your child routinely talks back when asked to do household chores, there are two behavioral elements that can be explored. One, were the chores completed? If they were, then reinforce that behavior. There are many positive behaviors involved in completing tasks. Two, talk to your child about what the fuss was all about. Maybe your child isn’t aware of how attitude affects you and others. Finally, set expectations for your child that are reasonable and realistic, and be an example of the kind of behavior you want returned. Help your child see that a lot more mileage can be gained through interacting at a positive level. Marketing strategies such as the "Mountain Dew Generation" and "No-Fear" slogans have given having attitude a whole new spin. The bottom line however, is that we often pay too much attention to attitude and not enough to behavior. Attitude is just a thing. It’s not good or bad. It’s complementary to behavior, and in the end, behavior is always more significant that attitude.
School is starting up for another year. While I am happy to have my kids back in school, I do not look forward to being busy from morning until night, taxiing the kids around, going to meetings, activities, etc. Sometimes I feel like there is no time to be a family. My husband works for an international corporation and travels around the world for his job. He feels bad that he can’t be more involved, but he has to make a living. He is away a lot during the week leaving me alone with the kids sometimes for days. Our family certainly doesn’t look like the one that I grew up in. I worry that my kids might be missing out.
A healthy family is one where those in it join together to promote each other’s best interests, one that is nurturing and supportive. Contrary to what is seen on TV and what politicians tell us, a family cannot be prescribed. There is no such thing as the perfect family. Even though your family is not currently interacting exactly the way you planned and is much different than how it was when you were young, you are exposing your children to many valuable lessons. I am sure they will carry these on throughout their lives. Because the idea of family is important to you and your husband, these values most likely will be passed along to your children. While your husband is frequently absent because of work, he can still play a significant role in your home. Nine-to-five jobs are no longer the norm. As a result, parents often have to juggle to complete all of their tasks. Here’s an idea to keep your family members informed during this mobile time: Along with your kids, put together a family tracker that can be shared when your husband is home. The tracker should be like a portfolio where special mementos can be kept such as school reports, pictures, activities, what restaurants you ate at, what you had to eat, etc. Likewise, your husband could keep a tracker of his own. When you are all together, take time to share this important information as a family. Find ways to keep your husband involved in important family decision-making as well. You can benefit from his support even though he may not always be at home. Have fun with it. Your husband’s journeys, your kids’ adventures, and your successes and struggles to hold it all together are a part of your family’s legacy. Celebrate your legacy. Embrace it. It is who you are and is a part of who your children will be.
My 13 year old daughter’s principal called the other day to inform me that two boys were passing around a pornographic picture at school that they said they printed off the internet from my house. My daughter is home by herself after school and claims that she thought her friends were playing a computer game. My daughter is usually fairly responsible. But I am growing concerned about what happens at my house when I am not around.
Somebody famous once said, "If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything." Your daughter seems to be succumbing to pressure from her peers. Help her see that it is important to stand for something and to live up to the standards that ultimately will bring her success. Obviously clear rules and boundaries need to be set around the use of the family computer. Computers and the Internet are wonderful tools that afford those that use them with many rich resources. You can find anything you want on the Internet: simply type in the Keyword. Unfortunately, this has created easy access for kids to view pornography and other things. Many online services offer “parental control” features where the availability to get to these sites can be blocked. These, unfortunately, are not fool proof systems. Since it was your daughter’s friends passing around the picture, and not her, it will be important to discuss how they got access to your computer and online service. Even though she says that she doesn’t know how they got it, clearer rules need to be established around the use of the computer and who has access to it. More importantly, make clearer rules around who can visit after school when there is no parental supervision. Take Internet privileges from your daughter for a short time and tell her that she needs to check in with you daily and inform you of what her after school plans are. Set limits. Discuss choices with your daughter and help see how the behavior of her peers can ultimately have a negative impact on her if she doesn’t "draw a line" with them. Give her a week to come up with a plan for how this kind of situation won’t happen again. Your daughter, like all teens, is very peer orientated. This is a normal feature of adolescence. Research has shown that during adolescence interaction with peers has the most powerful influence on young people’s behavior. The teenage years are also the time when kids differentiate from their parents and ultimately establish their individual self. Trials and tribulations during these years are common. It is important that parents remain true to the values that they have instilled in their children. This is one of many challenges that your daughter will face with her peers as she grows through adolescence. Recognize her efforts at independence and reinforce the good choices she makes.
My 15 year old son is so convinced that he is going to be the next rap star that he won’t even consider other possibilities for his future. This concerns me because I believe that at his age, he needs to start planning. He doesn’t have any goals!
It is important for people to have goals. Goals define what we hope to achieve or accomplish. Goals drive just about everything that we do. They can be big or small, visible or difficult to see. A big part of finding solutions for difficult situations is to first isolate the problem, and then come up with some objectives or steps that promote the desired outcomes. These are goals. A lot of 15 year old youngsters don’t have a "five year plan". In fact, many operate under the "five second plan" where immediate gratification rules. Having well defined goals during mid-adolescence is really pretty unusual. Even most universities don’t expect students to declare a major field until their junior year. This is in large part because figuring out what one would like to do is a challenge. While is appears that you feel that your son’s "goal" is far fetched, it is his and he has taken ownership for it. Rather than arguing with him about it, and letting him know how unrealistic it is, it may be more productive to help him identify steps that he will need to accomplish along the way to make being a rap star a reality. There are a lot of dues to pay on the way to superstardom. As your son begins to see all of the pieces that he will need to put into place, he will either pursue these more vigorously, or choose another plan. As adults, it is some times easy to lose sight of what we were like when we were 15. Is it different now that we’re the grown-ups than it was when we were kids? Perhaps it is in some ways. But many parallels can still be drawn. For example, as a teenager, a developmental task that we all had to accomplish was to differentiate from our parents and prove to others and ourselves that we could manage on our own. Your son is doing this now. Support and encourage him. Give him feedback and advice. Help him see possibilities. He won’t let you down.
I divorced my husband after years of domestic violence. I have moved on with my life following the divorce and custody battle. I am now providing a good household for my two kids although I am concerned about my son. His behavior is too much like his father’s. He minimizes me, threatens and recently tried to intimidate me by getting in my face when he didn’t want to do what I asked. He does show some remorse after these outbursts and promises to never do it again. But these promises are short lived. I hope that he won’t grow up to treat women the way his father does.
Violent acts are often familiar characteristics in many of the things that both children and adults are exposed to on a daily basis. It can be found on TV, in sports, video games, playgrounds, and at workplaces. Violence is everywhere. Even Mother Goose was violent! This explains why Peter-Peter the Pumpkin Eater clung on to his relationship with his wife by keeping her in a pumpkin shell (against her will I am sure!). Phrases used every day such as, "let the cat out of the bag", or, "that was really a slap in the face", also have violent overtones. People are not born violent. Violent behaviors are learned and ultimately involve choices on the part of those committing violent acts. Violence can take on many forms that go beyond striking out physically including intimidation, coercion, oppression, exerting power, and control. In your situation, your son threatened you and "got up in your face". It appears that your son has witnessed violence directly through your relationship with your ex-husband. Fathers can be powerful role models for their children. Good or bad, parental behavior in all likelihood will be imitated and repeated. Your son is using similar tactics that your ex-husband used on you. Ultimately, you didn’t accept this kind of behavior from your ex-husband. Don’t accept it from your son either. Make it clear to him that threats and intimidation are unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Hold him accountable when he promises to change. It will be important to convince your son of the importance to drop the harsh tactics from his repertoire. People who try to control others are usually not in control at all. In the end, he could have a big price to pay for his behavior. An anger management group program with other kids his age may be helpful. Sit down with your kids and come up with a "contract of nonviolence" for your household. Identify some action steps that you all can complete on a daily basis to make your home less violent. Agree to some consequences for when the contract is not followed and rewards for successes. Hang it on the fridge and review it weekly.
My ex-husband and I divorced a little over a year ago. Since that time, my teenage daughter has been bouncing back and forth from his home to mine. She will not follow my rules even though they are the same as her father’s. I have a hard time trusting her. We fight often. I have always wanted to have a strong relationship with my daughter, because when I was young, me and my mother didn’t get along. Even though I didn’t like a lot of the things that she did, at times I find that I am just like her. It sure looks a lot different when the shoe is on the other foot!!
Many teenagers, when plotting out what the future will hold for them, resolve to never be like their mother or father. "I’ll never do that like they did!!" This has been going on for generations. Sometimes, as hard as we try, we all find ourselves repeating the lessons that our parents taught us. In some ways, family patterns are like the Trip-Tiks that the AAA insurance company gives members to help them map out journeys across the country. Like TripTiks families leave a distinct map that guides their "journey" as well. Like any practiced route to a destination, we tend to repeat paths that have been taken before. This is why you find yourself being just like your mother at times. The fact that you are frustrated by how some of the things that you do with your daughter is similar to those that your mother did with you is a good sign. They didn’t work for you so they probably won’t work with your daughter either! If you truly want to interact differently with your daughter, then you will. Get in touch with the things that trigger you to act like your mother incarnate. Once you know what these things are, find ways to short circuit them. For example, if one of the things your daughter complains about is that you only recognize negative things ("it’s never good enough"), and this is something that your mother did that was a barrier in your relationship, start accentuating the positive more. Hearing about the things that were not done well enough is always easier if they are prefaced by hearing about those that were done right!! As you become more practiced at this, it will be much easier to take this route rather than resort to the old "family map". It is okay to talk to your daughter about your struggles as a parent and your desire for a stronger relationship. Be open with her and in time, she will be open with you. It may also be useful to find out what, if anything is different about the way that your ex-husband enforces rules. Why does it work there and not with you? Even though your marriage has dissolved, your role as parents remains. If custody is shared, it will be important that there is some congruency in how you parent.
My ex-husband and I believe in spanking our children. It promotes discipline and is a good reminder for our kids not to do whatever they did wrong again. About six months ago, my boyfriend moved-in with me, and my two kids. My 12 year old son rebels at his attempts to spank him or his sister, and is starting to lash back. Because I work during the evening, he is usually the only adult with the kids after school. He says that he and the kids battle just about nightly.
The old adage, "it’s going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you", is incorrect. Spanking by design is intended to hurt. The idea is that by making a spanked child feel the pain or "discomfort" of a swat, problematic behavior will be extinguished. Spanking, simply, is not the best method of discipline. There is something inherently wrong with inflicting physical pain on children in an attempt to convey a message about whatever it is they did wrong. If it worked, why is it that parents that believe in spanking tend to spank their kids often? Obviously, to be effective, spanking can’t be done in isolation from verbal discipline and other tactics. These things will probably have more of a lasting impact on children over the long haul than spanking will. Through these methods, the message is always clearer and not muddied by the emotionality of the dreaded swat. Spanking, if you must, should never be more that an open handed swat to the buttocks. Spanking should never cause injury. Injuries equal child abuse. Parents who spank need to ask themselves whether they are doing it because they believe that is what the child needs or because it is what they need to outlet their anger. If you are spanking in anger, step back and reevaluate. Your child should not be the outlet of your anger. Your 12 year old son is too old to be spanked. As kids get older, spanking can be very degrading and humiliating. In your son’s case, it could even become a power struggle between he and your boyfriend. If this is what’s going on then it is not about discipline: it’s about a fight. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend has established himself as a parental figure in your family. Until this occurs, he should not discipline your children. He should certainly not spank them! You, your boyfriend and your ex-husband need to have a caucus around how you intend to raise your children. Then the three of you should meet with the kids, come up with some clear expectations, rules and consequences that everyone can agree upon.
My tenth grade son has struggled in high school. He doesn’t plan well, has poor study habits, and often bombs tests. As parents, my husband and I have taken many steps with the school and our son to promote more successes in his education. Yet, in the end it boils down to his motivation and desire. My husband thinks that I baby our son around these issues, shifting the focus away from where it needs to be: on him. Conversely, I think that he can be too hard, further reinforcing his feelings of failure and low esteem.
Two-parent families are often viewed as being ideal when dealing with children. This ideal can get rough when parents’ practices are not in sync. It is important that your son gets a clear message from both of you about what he’s doing in school. Expectations should also be consistent and supported together by you both. When sides are taken on kid issues the focus changes. Your husband believes you are letting your son off the hook, while you believe your husband is too hard. Meanwhile, what is your son doing? The conflict between the two of you allows him to sit back and watch as you attempt to sort out your own issues. His school success is no longer the focus. You and your husband need to hold your own "parents’ summit". Maybe over dinner or a walk. Find some common ground and best practices regarding ways to help your son improve academically. You both know your son better than anybody. What supports does he need? What works for him? Get on board together and be united in your approach. As I am sure you are aware, parenting can be very frustrating. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, this frustration can be overwhelming causing us to lose our focus. Discuss your frustrations with your husband. Learn each other’s triggers. If in the heat of the moment you or your husband feels like you’re losing your focus, temporarily remove yourself from the situation. Your son is in the tenth grade. Two more years until graduation! You and your husband have actively worked with him and the school to promote successful academic programming. It sounds like he has the resources he needs to get the job done. Together, promote the positive and hold him accountable for the things he needs to do to be successful.
My father died two weeks ago after living a relatively healthy life of 81 years. I am concerned that the way my 10 year old daughter is grieving is not normal. Even though the funeral is over, she continues to have bouts of crying and seems sad all the time. I am trying to be supportive, but her sorrow impacts my own grief over losing my dad.
Death is often one of those things that kids don’t give much thought to until it happens somewhere in their immediate world. There is a certain amount of omnipotence associated with being a kid. Like the super-heroes we watch on TV, the invincible never die. In many ways young people see the world in this way as well. Death is equally as relevant to the life cycle as birth. Yet, in our culture, we usually view birth with joy and death with sorrow. Beginnings are filled with anticipation and possibilities, while endings are final. When death occurs sorrow can overshadow the legacy, or gifts, that our loved one’s left behind. This sorrow is a reflection of the losses that death brings. Each person grieves differently. Because of this, there is no such thing as "normal" grieving. For children, grieving will usually be commensurate with the relational significance of the loss and their level of understanding about death. In your situation, part of the grief that your daughter may be demonstrating could also be associated with worrying about you after having lost your father. Your daughter may be coming to the realization that not only was her grandfather fallible, but so are the others that she cares about (including herself). It is important that she knows that she is going to be okay and so will you. Validate your daughter’s grief. Encourage her to talk about feelings around the loss of her grandfather. Not only is this important to do, it is necessary. Allow yourself to grieve as well. It is through grief that ultimately you and your daughter will appreciate the gifts that your father gave.
My six year old daughter is becoming very oppositional. She has always been willful, but now it has gone beyond what her father and I can tolerate. She has particular difficulty around meal time. She often refuses to eat the meals that are prepared for her and will go as far as throw a tantrum if she doesn’t get what she wants. To our embarrassment, she has even thrown a fit in a restaurant one time when we went out to eat.
Kids can be masters at picking the most inopportune time to throw tantrums. In helping to address your daughter’s oppositional behavior it will be important to evaluate what her tantrums are all about. What is the acting out designed to do? Is she acting out around meal time because she doesn’t like the food that has been prepared or what is on the menu? Do meals occur at a transitional time of day when a parent is arriving home from work or siblings are returning home from school? Could her behavior be an effort to get your attention and the attention of others? She is certainly accomplishing this! Sometimes parents get caught up in wanting to make sure that our kids follow expectations to the letter. As hard as it is to swallow (especially at times when tantrums are imminent), it is okay to compromise. For example, if your daughter doesn’t like the green beans and chicken you prepared and wants something different, what is the big deal? There are plenty of healthy alternatives. Allow room for some choices. Once the choices have been defined, is will be important to address the tantrum like behavior that causes you to feel like a hostage in restaurants! Discuss this with your daughter and let her know that this behavior is not to be accepted, give her an appropriate disciplinary consequence (a timeout that is equitable to her age – six minutes maximum, for example) for her behavior and reinforce that things will be easier for everyone through compromise. If the acting out continues, or begins to surface in other areas, it may be helpful for you, your daughter and her father to seek additional support through counseling. Raising children can be a difficult job. It is certainly one that does not come with an operating manual. No two kids are exactly the same. Each has their own unique needs. All parents face challenging situations that leaves them feeling a certain amount of uncertainty. It is okay to ask for help.
I recently attended my ninth grade son’s school conference. After hearing that he was a nice kid who was not a behavior problem in classes but was doing poorly in all of his subject areas, I was very disappointed. Most of my son’s teacher’s were matter of fact in reporting about his lack of progress. To my surprise, however, one of his teachers asked me a question that was very difficult to answer after hearing how rotten he was doing in school: "What are your son’s strengths?"
Many times it seems that our losses are far more apparent than our victories. This is because we live in a society that readily draws focus on deficits rather than strengths. In working with families one of the first things I do is ask each family member to identify five strengths that they see in each other. Because most of the families that I encounter seek services because they are experiencing behavioral conflict or relational pain, asking about strengths can be kind of a curve ball for them. Once focus is drawn on strengths, however, most people are able to see that each individual is bundled with hundreds of strengths that ultimately enhance who we are. People tend to repeat behaviors that they are successful at or that enable them to accomplish desired tasks and goals. As crazy as it might sound, even problematic behaviors are usually supported by patterns of functioning that if reframed, could be considered strength. I am sure that you have met people in your life that fit this bill. Your letter stated that your son’s teachers reported that he was a nice young man who was not a behavioral problem in class. These are strengths! Does "not being a behavioral problem" mean that your son is working hard in classes? If school is difficult for him and yet he’s consistently putting forth effort, then it seems as though he is motivated to learn. It is important that he gets the support that he needs to stay motivated and to assure that his learning needs are met. Because of this it will be important for you to meet with school personnel and assist them in developing a program for your son that promotes his strengths and assists his progress. Remember that no two people learn quite the same way. When you discuss your son’s progress with him, first give him feedback about his strengths and the success he is having. Next, express your concerns calmly and talk with him about what he thinks he needs that would help him do better. Accentuate the positive! And remember, "the race" for your son is a long one. It will not be won or loss by this report card. With support and reinforcement, he has plenty of time to come out a winner.
For Parents 